Space for Jane Helen

If one get exposed for repeating abuse from one is little, beaten up, treated like a ragdoll. How long would you keep up against it and not do the same thing? Or turn crazy because of it? …

Mommys boxing bag and the abusers ragdoll..

Many of the things I told myself to survive:
“The future will become better” (.. it became the same, until I got to turn him in to the police..). Now the aftermath is knocking me out..
“I am stronger than you”, I told myself. I wouldn’t let myself be affected by it or break down.
– It broke down, but I noticed what was about to happen and stopped it.

My boy was about 2 ½ years old, he has found a wooden spoon in mummys draw in the kitchen. Suddenly I burst into full crying and tears spitting from my eyes. My boy asks “what’s happening”, and gives mummy a hug. There and then I myself don’t understand why, but after a while it comes up what happend in my childhood.. Right now it comes to mind, “what if she dared to hit him too the same way she did to me?” I don’t know as she did look after him without me watching her. Has she and he is telling me, then I don’t know what I will do.. Right now he is in England with his father and far away from Norway and that part of the family. There is one of the reasons why he is with his father in England and not with me, because I have traumas that makes me sit in a chaos of thoughts and have nightmares, and am not present in daily life. I wouldn’t been a good enough caring person for him.. To see one’s own limitations.. For those who thinks that motherhood and a child always has it best with her, that is not always the case.

I myself have once been a child that was badly neglected..
A mother who tells her child “dear sweetheart come here and I give you a hug”, and even worse “I love you”. (Even today I struggle with handling hearing these words being spoken, because my body reacts automatically with defence, when will it slam?). Next moment you lay with bare bum and the pain stings in it.. Even neighbours visiting could do the same, and then the parents sat and laughed at it in the same room :-O The abuse I was told to not tell anyone, she would put an end to it.. Even people from the health services that had a home visit had the trust that a mother would sort it out, but it wasn’t followed up by anyone..

The psychiatrist tells you to forget and move on.. Have they got enough knowledge to understand what abuse does to a human mind? It’s impossible to forget or move on from it without being able to talk about it. THAT I was denied by my psychiatrist I talked to back in 2002-2003. ..

Does it cost too much to ask questions about abuse? Are you frightened for the answer? Is the evil too painful to handle that one don’t want to know about it? … I had to handle it when it happened, but now very few want to know about it.. “You won the court case, move on”.. Do you know what it means to be exposed for abuse for SO many years, without talking about it, people sees it, but don’t want to know, and no one stopped him.. Not even the police wanted to stop him.. (Lillehammer 2002).

So then what is evil? The omission, collectively “no it isn’t happening”, yes it does happen to 50000 children each year, (in Norway alone), roughly 2 in each class :-O I know I am not alone, but society drags the curtain down. Rather watches the evil from far away of hungry children, women that get raped. But that is so distant and so much easier to empathize and understand. But these 50000 children in Norway, who is talking about them? When are we going to take responsibility for them? It talks about the rapes, but abuse of children comes in the background. Why? The silence is the abusers best friend… Aren’t we supposed to be the children best friend? Talk for the children sake and dare to stop abuse ❤

That he told me sometimes when he left after finished his business.

To read the reports from the court case that just finished did trigger me a lot. It started with the TV pictures in the 22nd of July. The following day I ended up in the ER after having a real though reaction physically at them pictures. They triggered memories from my childhood. At the same time immensely sickening and horrible what he did to them youngsters. Unstoppably cried and shivering in my body, until I almost lost my breath and consciousness. I can hear people talk, but can’t answer, not a sound comes out. I am thinking and trying to speak, but the words won’t come out. The ambulance arrives, I have to walk some stairs down and out to the awaiting ambulance. Fasten with a seatbelt I am sitting up and my hair in all sorts of directions. In the emergency area I am sat to wait in a chair in the middle for everyone arriving to see.. A doctor arrives in the end, I get to talk while he takes necessary tests and checking the oxygen in my blood. He has to see another patient, and without a chance to keep it back I collapses and cries out loud again and shivers. This time I concentrate keeping my breath under control, while the cries gets louder and louder.. Until I then just fall asleep, and the doctor returns and talks with me again.

.. There should had been written something here, but I am unable to write about it right now, it I too intense. The details are too though.

The trial triggered a lot in me from my own trial against my abuser. Similarities in his face looks and things he is saying.. I tried to avoid following everything. The pictures I tried to overlook, they made me feel sick.

The things that came out as it was just like an ordinary day. My abuser explained everything as when he was shopping in the grocery store to pick candy. A rape here and a rape there, at the table, on the chair, in the sink, at the toilet, in the middle of the night etc… Then he also used a stick, a shaped wooden mallet and the things I remember such as hairbrush and screwdriver, no he didn’t remember that..

And when he used to leave he said «I’m sorry I didn’t mean it” :-O Why in his head say something like that? He knew it was wrong, crazy idiot! So I truly feel with those who lost their loved ones, after these empty words from the terrorist. It is just so totally meaningless words, especially when he just goes ahead and repeats it again and again and again anyway..